I think it hit me today, really and truly hit me: I am not the same person I was. September 26th, 2011, changed me irrevocably. I think I've been fighting that fact for the past four months, but I just don't have the strength anymore. Maybe I was wrong about Sunrise's stillbirth making me stronger. I can face death but I can't handle the ordinary-ness of everyday life. It's all backwards. And yet that's what's happening to me. As each day goes by I feel myself getting weaker, as if the farther I get from her, the farther I get from myself.
The worst part for me? I have a seven year old son and yet I still feel this hopelessness. My heart has been destroyed. My inner strength is gone. What I thought was strength in those early, painful days must have been something else. How can I take care of my family now? How can I focus on what I need to focus on and move forward in this life? And what am I moving toward?
4 months ago
Dejah, I just got your beautiful post for Art Cards today and I just wanted to come here and give you a virtual hug. But then I started reading this post, and although I was already in tears, reading Sunrise's story, my heart broke a little bit more reading your words.
ReplyDeleteI have been in this place you are in right now. After Amelia died, I was left as a shattered mother of three other children. I know that feeling of time relentlessly sucking me into the next day, further away from when I last held my daughter. I know that feeling of being a foreigner in my own life. I know that feeling of weakness that fills you full of so many holes it is hard to stand straight.
The moving forward is hard, it is all you can do to handle the grief, when everyone else wants you to just be better, move on, be strong. I am thinking of you tonight and if I can give you any hope at all, just know that one day, little by little ~ joy will be know again. At first, it will be like a pinprick of light in the darkness and you may feel guilt over it. But it does change. The pain changes us each, and we are all forever altered, but one day in the future it will be more bearable and you will begin to feel like a mother to your son again. Just hold on sweetie.
Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement, Stephanie. They mean so much. It helps to know that others have been where I am and have gotten through it. xo
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