I think it hit me today, really and truly hit me: I am not the same person I was. September 26th, 2011, changed me irrevocably. I think I've been fighting that fact for the past four months, but I just don't have the strength anymore. Maybe I was wrong about Sunrise's stillbirth making me stronger. I can face death but I can't handle the ordinary-ness of everyday life. It's all backwards. And yet that's what's happening to me. As each day goes by I feel myself getting weaker, as if the farther I get from her, the farther I get from myself.
The worst part for me? I have a seven year old son and yet I still feel this hopelessness. My heart has been destroyed. My inner strength is gone. What I thought was strength in those early, painful days must have been something else. How can I take care of my family now? How can I focus on what I need to focus on and move forward in this life? And what am I moving toward?
4 months ago