I feel very sad today.
I watched my son playing in the eight inches of snow that fell yesterday and it just washed over me: Sunrise isn't here to enjoy this. She will never play in the snow with her Papa and big brother. I will never kiss her chapped pink cheeks when she comes in from the cold. She will never throw snowballs or drink hot chocolate.
This is something that will never happen. This is final. This is it.
It doesn't sit well with me.
It's one of those days where the tears are always there, at the surface, and they fall unbidden, and I can't do anything to stop them. It's one of those days where Hubby tries to calm me down but it only makes it worse: I see how he grieves and how different it is from the way I grieve and I just want to scream and tear things apart.
This holiday season has been so, so hard for me. I think about why that is. Perhaps because last year I still felt some of Sunrise's spirit hovering near me. But this year I don't feel it. And that's the way it should be. I don't want her to feel that she needs to be near me, to watch over me.
But honestly, it is very hard for me to bear.
I miss her so much today. This is one of those days where the Devil could appear at my door and instead of slamming it in his face I would bargain with him, just to be able to see her again, just to be able to hold her in my arms and tell her I love her. Because I can't say it enough.
I love you I love you I love you
It's one of those days.
9 months ago