Friday, February 22, 2013

get over it

Wow, almost March and this is my first post of 2013?  There's a reason for that, and maybe I'll get into it in my next post.  But there's something I want to talk about, and it's been weighing heavy on my heart lately. 

I've had more than one person tell me recently that I "need to move on".

Those of you who've lost a child know what a loaded statement that is.  It's the equivalent of "you need to get over it". 

And these were family members telling me this, and you'd think they'd know better, or be more understanding...but maybe they simply feel comfortable saying to me what others, who are not related to me, are thinking.

But what does it mean?  What do these people expect of me when they say something like that?  Because I'd truly like to know.  I'd love to know this magic secret to moving on from my daughter's death.

I think that's what makes me mad.  They tell me I need to move on, but then have no clear answer as to how exactly I can do that.  And you know why they don't have an answer?  Because there is none.  It's like trying to make 2+2=5.  It's an impossibility.  The laws of physics won't bend for this equation.

The mean part of me wants to tell them to shut up.  They can tell me to "move on" when they've lost a child themselves, but not before.  The rational part of me wants to explain it to them thusly:  I'm a vase that's been broken.  I've been shattered, and through lots of hard work (which includes hours of counseling) I've been able to pick the pieces up and glue myself back together.  I'm still a vase, still have a vase shape, but I'm not the same as I was before.  You can see the cracks, if you look closely.  But I'm still beautiful, I still hold flowers.

But I'm not the exact same.

I get up in the morning, and put my son on the bus.  I tuck him into bed at night. I love watching him grow into a fine, happy, handsome young boy. I love to read, listen to music, post on Facebook, browse Pinterest, study to be a doula, and sing really loudly along with Cee Lo while driving in the car.  I love to kiss my husband.

See?  I'm still the same. Just not quite.

A year and a half ago I wouldn't have thought any of those things was possible.  The fact that I can live my life as I did before is a small miracle to me.  So what's the difference?  What are these small cracks that freak people out?

Maybe it's the fact that I can't get excited about pregnancy.  Or rather, I don't get excited in a rainbows and unicorn farts sort of way.  I know, better than anyone, just how fragile the little life growing inside a womb is.  So forgive me if I don't feel like going to baby showers.  Baby showers anticipate something that might not happen, and it scares me.  I get fearful for the parents.  Maybe in ten years it won't scare me, but for now it does.  For some reason, all I can think when I see a pregnant woman is "I really hope that baby makes it."

And really, I do.

I think pregnancy, and babies, have become even more sacred for me now.  I know how deeply intertwined life and death are for that young life, and I know just how shockingly fast life can become death, and everything--hopes, dreams--can be lost.  I see it as a deeper appreciation for what is termed the "miracle of life".

But apparently that's just weird to other people.  And I should get over it.

I shouldn't cry anymore.  I shouldn't try and incorporate Sunrise into my life and family.  I shouldn't bake a cake on her birthday.  I shouldn't mention her.  I shouldn't wish for her to come back to life.  I shouldn't yearn to be with her.

Is that how I will move on?  Is that how it can be accomplished?  Because I'm going to say it now, and it will be a final say, and it will not change now, or 10 years, or 20 years, or any number of years from now:

 I'll never get over it.  I'll never move on (and I still don't know what that means!).  I lost a child and I love her deeply.  She'll never go away, and neither will my love for her.  I will always bake her a cake on her birthday.

And yes, a part of me will always be sad, and never be the same.

But that's normal.  Don't judge me for it.  Just let me be who I am.

This is who I am.


  1. thanks for this, there is no "getting over it, or getting "used to it" is just coping with the aching space in your heart, and smiling when you do not feel like it. People need to get a grip!

  2. Yes yes YES! Interestingly, I'm having the same experience as you - people (family members! ugh) have started telling me to move on, to get over it. But it's like you said - that's impossible, because what they mean is to forget, or at least not talk about her. But you would never say that to any other mother, so why is a bereaved mother any different? I'm sorry that stuff is coming your way, too. I agree 100% with what you wrote! :)

    1. I'm sorry you're having to go through this too, Beth! I wish people could understand...but unless they go through it, they can't. I guess I just need to learn to be patient with them. It's so hard though!

  3. Glad you are back...sad that people are wanting you to move on.Its just not something that can happen. Good for you for standing your ground. Sunrise is your daughter, she will never be something to "get over." I often feel the same way, like I need to "move on" or at least that others think I should. Im starting to plan Caleb's second birthday and I feel silly for even mentioning it to people-like they might think Ive gone off the deep end because I'm still going to celebrate his birthday. But he's still my child-how can I not celebrate him!?! Praying for you and your heart. It sounds like you have made it a long way, and like you said- you can still hold beautiful flowers! Proud of you!

    1. You're right--how can we not celebrate our children, even if they're not here with us? Thank you so much for the kind words, RyAnne. xoxo

  4. SO well said!!!

    Wanted yo get you this message

    Hi friends,

    OK I have been in a blogger nightmare the last few days. My .com was high jacked and I have been trying to work out all the kinks so
    Google friends connect and feeds will still work. I think I did it!!!!

    Even if you already re subscribed once IT IS NOT WORKING. I had to adjust some sight settings and you need to do it again.

    Anyway I want to ask once more time that you would visit my new URL and resubscribe through which ever reader you uses.

    This is the instructions to resubscribe through Google friends Connect

    Go to my new address

    Go to Google friends connect and sigh in,
    Then go to options, sight settings hit stop following this blog (on the right hand side)
    Next refresh the page
    last re-follow the blog

    I am so sorry for the hassle. I love the relationships we have built through the internet let keep them going!
    Thank you so much for your support and understanding!

    1. Thanks Tesha! I reconnected with your blog. so sorry you had to go through all that! xoxo



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