Tuesday, April 2, 2013

tree of life



I've agonized about posting this for over three months, but I guess I should just come out and say it.

I'm pregnant.

Which is both a "Woohoo!" and a "dear-God-I'm-scared-please-don't-let-anything-go-wrong-this-time" loaded statement.  I haven't made some big Facebook statement (I have some friends who are going to be "Whoa!" surprised when they start seeing baby pictures in August) because, honestly, I don't want to get anyone's hopes up.  And it's so weird to feel that way, to not feel this instant "Yay!  I'm pregnant!  I'm going to throw myself a baby shower!" kind of joy.

And I didn't want to post it here because I was almost in that other place: secondary infertility.  It seemed like everyone around me was getting pregnant and there I was, not.   It took us exactly 12 months to get pregnant and I'd almost given up hope.  I don't think people realize how much agony infertility brings: it stressed my marriage, and I felt my own peculiar kind of grief every month when my period came along.  I was constantly mourning the missed opportunities, the child that could have been.

And I know how much it hurt to read about rainbow babies on other blogs, and I don't want to generate that kind of hurt here, however unintentional it may be.

At the same time, this is my life now, and I can't just ignore it.

So I don't know what I'm going to do now.  I won't be posting about the pregnancy here, other than this post.  I'll announce when the baby is born, I'm sure...but really, this blog is about Sunrise and I want it to stay that way.  I've thought about starting another blog in addition to this one, which would incorporate all of my life, not just grief, loss, motherhood.  But that's still in the early creative planning stages and I'm not even sure it will ever come to fruition.

That puzzle above...it will eventually turn out to be The Tree of Life by Gustav Klimt.  I've never been much of a puzzle person, but I received it for Christmas and Klimt is one of my favorite artists.  I work on it now and then.  I began it shortly after this baby was conceived and it has special meaning for me. I hope to finish it in time for the baby's birth.

I'm almost twenty weeks along.  Most women would probably be rejoicing that they made it this far.  And I am, but...

There's always a "but" now.

I'm happy, but I'm sad.

I'm eager to meet this baby, but I miss Sunrise.

I'm calm and know everything will be fine, but I'm stressed and I know how quickly everything can go wrong.

There's no peace, is there, in pregnancy after loss?  I was so naive, really.  I had convinced myself, during that long year that I was struggling to get pregnant again, that everything would be made right with another pregnancy.  That once I had another baby growing inside me I would be filled with joy and grace and everything would be rosy.  That my grief would magically ease and I could look to the future, easily, oh so much more easily than I'd been able to before.

I never expected to be here again.  Sunrise was supposed to be our last child.  I would have been happy with two.

Now, I have three children.  I never expected to be here.

This is a strange place to be, too.

So here I am, navigating these waters for the third time, looking for a nice island to build a nest on.   I temper my hope with a strong dose of reality--anything can happen, right?  You can be almost there and then, poof! you're lost again--but it is there, the hope.  I can almost taste it.

Just 20 more weeks to go.

8 comments:

  1. Wow half way already! I was thinking about you this morning...glad you're doing okay. Hang in there! You're doing great.

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  2. SO very happy for you Dejah!!! Praying all gose well and you find some peace and joy in this pregnancy. It also took my exactly 12 months to get pregnant and I was close to giving up hope also. I am 11 weeks.

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    1. Thank you, Tesha! Congratulations on your pregnancy! xoxo

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  3. You can do it! Subsequent pregnancies are so hard. I struggled a lot with that same feeling of "never expected to be here." I just kept thinking "why am I pregnant again, I was supposed to have a baby already and be losing this baby weight!" It was such a strange alternate universe. Distractions helped me a ton, especially in the third trimester when the panic began to overwhelm me. Hope is so close, praying for you friend. Are you going to find out the gender before hand?

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  4. Thank you so much for your kind words, RyAnne. I try really hard to distract myself, but it's not always easy! And yes, we're going to find out the gender. I want to get as much bonding with this baby now as I can and not take the pregnancy for granted. I think it will be easier if I know if it's a girl or a boy. :-)

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  5. Our rainbow was the hardest thing. But for some reason I just KNEW it was going to all work out. I dove into it. Told everyone. Got excited. Bought clothes. Relived my first pregnancy happiness. I knew there was that chance that it might end but didn't want to give up hope. I really distracted myself from the what if's. Love to you my friend. I'm here if you ever need to talk xxoo www.letterstoleia.ca

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